a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
