were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
