I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
