you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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