my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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