I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
