i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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