She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
