FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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