yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
he's gonorrhea incarnate
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
