If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
