Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
