If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize