youre lurking in front of me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
