i'm signing you up for texting rehab
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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