This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
