my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
