did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
