the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
