this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
