The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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