I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
