My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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