i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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