Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When are your genitals available?
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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