I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
