At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
