Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
