Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
