That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
