just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
