so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
