So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
