I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
