a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
