i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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