I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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