apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
