I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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