Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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