Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
