I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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