Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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