you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!