I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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