just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
