apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
