The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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