my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
