Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
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He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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