I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
