So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Randomize
