the condom got lost in my hair
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
