Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
