I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
