I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
be right there i have to get my cape
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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