for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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