I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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