This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.